What to do when you know something has to change

Being stuck feels like failure. As if everyone else knows what they want, except you. Usually it means something else: that you are ready for change, but do not have a direction yet. That is a different problem, and a more solvable one.

Why you are not moving

Being stuck rarely comes from a lack of motivation. It comes from the next step being too big to take in. As long as the question is “what should I do with my life”, there is no answer that fits today. Research on behaviour change shows people move when a step is small enough to take today — not when it is important enough.

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Find the smallest next step — 2 minutes

Not the right step. The smallest.

HOW TO DO IT
Take paper and answer these four briefly.

• Wish: what do I want to achieve in the next four weeks? Something achievable.

• Outcome: what is the best thing that happens if it works? How does that feel?

• Obstacle: what in me is holding me back? Not circumstances — something in yourself.

• Plan: if [obstacle] shows up, then I will [action].

STEP 1

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STEP 2

HOW TO DO IT
Write down what you would want to change. Then ask: what is the tiniest thing I can do about this today, in under two minutes? One email. One search. One question. Do that one today.

If you only do one thing

Do number 2. Being stuck does not resolve through better thinking, but through moving once. Something that takes two minutes is small enough that your excuse does not work.

Sources: Oettingen, G. (2012). Future thought and behaviour change. European Review of Social Psychology, 23(1), 1–63. · Gollwitzer, P. M. & Sheeran, P. (2006). Implementation intentions and goal achievement. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 69–119.

Do the WOOP exercise — 5 minutes

Four questions, in this order. Gabriele Oettingen researched this method for years and found that naming the obstacle is what actually gets people moving — dreaming alone does not work.

Four things you can do today

STEP 3

STEP 4

Cancel one thing this week — 5 minutes

Being stuck needs space, and there is none while your diary is full of things you do out of habit.

Ask three people — 10 minutes

You are stuck inside your own frame. Other people's questions get you out faster than your own answers.

HOW TO DO IT
Look through your week and find one appointment or task you do because it grew that way, not because it has to happen. Cancel it. Use this sentence if you need it: “I am not going to manage it this week, I will let you know when I can again.”

HOW TO DO IT
Send three people you trust this message: “Slightly odd question — if you were in my situation, what would you do first?” You do not have to follow their advice. It is about the options you could not see yourself.

When you need more than an article

What is written here is psychosocial guidance, not therapy. If you recognise prolonged low mood, ongoing sleep problems, panic symptoms or the feeling that you are really not coping — contact your GP. They can look with you at whether you need care that goes beyond guidance.

Shall we look at it together?

In a free fifteen-minute Self-Love Discovery Call we look together at what is going on for you and what a realistic first step would be. No sales pitch, no obligation.

Prefer to go straight to a 75-minute session? See the Self-Love Session.

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