What to do when you do not trust yourself

Self-doubt feels like information. As if that voice knows something you cannot see yet. That is exactly why it is so persistent: you do not argue with it, because maybe it is right.

Why this happens

Your inner voice is not neutral. It repeats what it has heard often. And because it sounds from the inside, we believe it more readily than if someone else said the same thing. Research on self-compassion consistently shows that a kinder inner tone goes together with less anxiety and low mood — and that this tone can be practised. It is not a character trait you either have or do not have.

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Talk about yourself in the third person — 30 seconds

Not “I am terrified about this”, but “[your name] finds this nerve-racking, and that makes sense, because it matters to her”.

HOW TO DO IT
If the answer is no, work out what you would say to her instead. Say that sentence to yourself. Out loud if you can, in your head if you cannot.

STEP 1

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STEP 2

HOW TO DO IT
Take something you are dreading and describe it once with your own name in it. This sounds odd, and it works: research by Ethan Kross shows this small change in language makes emotions easier to regulate, because you create a little distance from yourself.

If you only do one thing

Keep the evidence file. Self-doubt wins because it remembers selectively. The moment you put something in writing against that selection, it loses part of its credibility.

Sources: MacBeth, A. & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545–552. · Kross, E. et al. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304–324.

The friend test — 10 seconds

Notice one self-critical thought. Ask yourself: would I say this, in these words, to my closest friend?

Four things you can do today

STEP 3

STEP 4

Keep an evidence file — 2 minutes a day

Self-doubt has a poor memory. It only remembers what went wrong.

Decide three small things without consulting anyone, today

You do not build trust by thinking about it, but by having experiences where you notice your choice was fine.

HOW TO DO IT
Make a note on your phone titled “what did go well”. Write one thing in it every evening. Small is fine: I made that phone call I was dreading. Read it back on a day when you feel worthless.

HOW TO DO IT
Pick three unimportant things today — what you eat, which route you take, what you wear — and decide them without asking anyone's opinion. Unimportant is the point: you are practising the movement, not the outcome.

When you need more than an article

What is written here is psychosocial guidance, not therapy. If you recognise prolonged low mood, ongoing sleep problems, panic symptoms or the feeling that you are really not coping — contact your GP. They can look with you at whether you need care that goes beyond guidance.

Shall we look at it together?

In a free fifteen-minute Self-Love Discovery Call we look together at what is going on for you and what a realistic first step would be. No sales pitch, no obligation.

Prefer to go straight to a 75-minute session? See the Self-Love Session.

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