What to do when the past is still involved

Old experiences do not disappear because time passes. They disappear when they have been processed. You notice the difference between the two only when something small provokes a reaction far bigger than the trigger.

Why this happens

Emotions that never got words stay active. Brain research by Matthew Lieberman showed that naming a feeling measurably reduces activity in the brain's alarm system — and that pushing it away does not. So processing does not begin with understanding why something happened, but with putting into words what it did to you.

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Write for fifteen minutes, three days running, 15 min a day

This is the best-evidenced exercise in this article. James Pennebaker showed across dozens of studies that short, honest writing about a difficult experience is linked to better wellbeing over the longer term.

HOW TO DO IT
When you notice you are thrown, say in your head: “this is ___.” Do not search for the perfect word, the first one is good enough. You do not have to do anything with it.

STEP 1

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STEP 2

HOW TO DO IT
Set a timer for fifteen minutes. Write about what you are carrying — what happened and above all what it did to you. Do not stop to reread, do not worry about spelling. Nobody reads it. You may throw it away afterwards. Do this three days in a row. If it becomes too much, stop and do step 3.

If you only do one thing

Do number 1. It costs five seconds and it is the beginning of all the others. What you cannot name, you cannot put down either.

Sources: Lieberman, M. D. et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. · Frattaroli, J. (2006). Experimental disclosure and its moderators: a meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 132(6), 823–865.

One word — 5 seconds

When something surfaces, give it one word. Sadness. Anger. Fear. Loss. No more than that.

Four things you can do today

STEP 3

STEP 4

Come back to now — 2 minutes

When something overwhelms you, your body needs an anchor in the present.

Set a worry quarter-hour — 15 minutes

If the carrying runs all day, give it one fixed moment instead of all the moments.

HOW TO DO IT
Name, out loud or in your head, five things you see, four you hear, three you can touch, two you smell, one you taste. Work through it slowly. It does not matter whether you find them all.

HOW TO DO IT
Pick a fixed quarter of an hour, say 7.00 to 7.15pm. When something comes up during the day, tell yourself: “I am saving this for quarter past seven.” Write down one keyword. At seven you pick up the list. Whatever still matters gets your attention.

When you need more than an article

What is written here is psychosocial guidance, not therapy. If you recognise prolonged low mood, ongoing sleep problems, panic symptoms or the feeling that you are really not coping — contact your GP. They can look with you at whether you need care that goes beyond guidance.

Shall we look at it together?

In a free fifteen-minute Self-Love Discovery Call we look together at what is going on for you and what a realistic first step would be. No sales pitch, no obligation.

Prefer to go straight to a 75-minute session? See the Self-Love Session.

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